"We had tried for over two years to have a baby and every time I got my period I would cry," says Collins (not her real name pending a lawsuit). "Finally when I got pregnant we were so excited; my husband and I read pregnancy books together; we made so many plans and picked names.
"When we went to the clinic for the ultrasound, we couldn't wait to see our baby for the first time and hoped he was in a position for the technician to tell us if it was a boy or a girl. We kept asking questions and must have sounded like little kids at Christmas. She took a long time to answer us and just said that she was looking for something and would answer our questions shortly. After what seemed forever, she got up and said that the doctor would have to come in and look. She also told us not to worry and that sometimes they required the doctor - we weren't thinking that anything was wrong.
The doctor came in and informed us that our baby had no heart beat. I was in shock. I felt so vulnerable laying there on the bed with my gown on; my first thought was that there must be a mistake. There was no mistake.
I have never cried so much in my entire life. I just wanted to die with my baby. I will always remember October 11th, 2001 as the worst day of my life.
They told me that they would have to induce me to deliver the baby. I was too far along in my pregnancy to have a simple D&C. I needed to deliver him naturally to have some closure; they induced me that day and gave me a hospital room where they figured that I would deliver him easily because he was so small.
It did not go well. The labor lasted from the afternoon of the 11th until 9am on the 12th. It was absolutely unbearable. Labor was very long and extremely devastating. The worst part of it was that I was going through all that pain only to deliver a baby that was already dead. I just kept wishing I would die during the next contraction. The pain had become so bad that I started passing out in between contractions. My husband was terrified.
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I miss my baby. I have spent many years grieving for him. I also experience extreme guilt over the fact that I never saw him or held him. And that I took Paxil. I had no idea of the side effects that this drug caused. If I had known that Paxil was harmful to my baby, I would have stopped it before I became pregnant. That is a crime."